New Blog

I am starting a new blog. I will be deleting this one soon so if you would like to keep following my blogs please feel free to check out my new one at:

http://alifeoutofseason.blogspot.com/

I will incorporate more aspects of my life into it. If you have any suggestions please feel free to let me know.

Thank you for all of your reading.

Childhood Church Envy

I have been doing some thinking today. Since school is out for the summer and I have no homework to do I have plenty of time to do so. Well, I am very envious of people that were raised in a particular denomination. Most of the time there is usually no question in what he or she believes. These individuals accept what is taught to them as children. I, myself, was not raised in a church. My family claims t be Southern Baptist but these beliefs were not instilled in me. I came to Christ through friends and my own searching of the Scriptures. I do not claim a denomination because I struggle with which one I should belong to. I feel so out of touch and unplugged. My frustration with the state of the church does not help. (I wrote about that in a previous blog.) I also struggle with doctrinal issues with different denominations. I am such an ignorant moron some times. I guess right now I am looking for some balloons and a party hat to have my own pity party.

Is it a "Church" or a "Social"?

Has the "church" lost its meaning? I have always heard the question, "Who is the Church?" I always hear the same two answers. One group will say that it is a building where Christians meet and the other group will say it is the body of believers in Jesus Christ. Well, both are true while the latter is actually the main answer. How did this get lost though? Where did it all steer away from being the body of Christ? I have been to churches where you are stared at and talked about if you do not wear a suit and tie. I have also been to churches where the only person that speaks to you is the Pastor because everyone else in the "Body" is hanging out with their cliques. How Christian is this? Is this what Jesus had in mind?
I know I may get the proverbial slap on the wrist for saying this but I will say it anyway. "I am sick and tired of what the "church" has become!" (whew!) I have expressed that to many close friends. Where is the love that our First Love told us to share? Where is the welcoming fellowship that we are supposed to share as brothers and sisters in Christ are supposed to express? In some senses we, as Christians, have become just as legalistic as the Jews. "You have to dress in church clothes." "What is that person doing here?" This type of talk from Christians is unnecessary, sickening, and ultimately un-Christ like. The "church" has become so exclusive to those that are genuinely seeking God it's no wonder we are encountering a generation that is turning away from it. After all, who wants to be in an unwelcoming environment where people either talk about you behind your back or don't talk to you at all? This is not love! I know what some may say, "It's not about everyone else, it's about you and God." Well, guess what?! It is about everyone else. These people are becoming a stumbling block to those seeking Jesus! If it's truly not about everyone else then why join in "fellowship"? We are the "Body" of Christ. We all function as one. If it was not about everyone else then why not cut off a "hand" or cut out a "lung" in the Body of Christ? See, it doesn't work that way.
Now that I have vented I will leave one last statement to the churches that want to be exclusive.

"But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first."
Revelation 2:4 ESV

Bored

So, it's raining...again! The first full week of summer vacation and it is supposed to rain all week. This is not good for my sanity. The kids can not go outside so they are stuck inside being loud. This in turn is making my wife irritable and therefore effecting my sanity because I am the innocent bystander in all this insanity. Apparently life sucks right now. I would love to find somewhere to go hide but I can not get away. I would bury myself in a book but it is not quiet enough for that. Of course there is nothing of interest on TV to watch (There never really is). I do have hopes for the latter part of the week. I do not know what that hope is but I must hang on to something.

A Dark Night?

Is this a dark night? I have been through a period similar and didn't like it then either. I do not want it to last as long as the other did. I feel lost and alone. I keep looking to friends for advice or guidance and generally get nothing. I don't feel like doing anything. No work, school, family... I need God right now and I feel like He's not there. I know He's there. I just wish I knew what He wanted me to do. I am on the verge of quitting Wesley. I can not concentrate on school work. I don't want to go to classes. This is driving me nuts. I want God's Spirit to move again. This dry empty lost feeling is pushing me too far. I feel my desires are gone. My hope feels lost. I am nothing without Him. God help me!

I just don't know anymore,

People ask me "how's it going?" My answer is usually the same. I respond with, "It's going. I don't know where it's going but I do know where it's been." I have my reasons for using that phrase. I do not know where my life is going but definitely know where it has been. I also know that the Lord has been with me every step of the way. Even though I am unsure of the future I can be secure in what's happened in the past. These changes that are occurring in my life right now has tested my faith to a new level. I feel so insecure about so many things. My home, financial needs, and school. I want to remain faithful in trusting the Lord. I am struggling with this inability to know for sure what's happening today or tomorrow. Many of my problems have come from my own decisions, which I would change if I could. Sometimes though, as so many of us know, you can't cross a bridge that's been burned. I thought to myself when I started school in the spring of 2008 I will go one semester at a time and trust God to take care of my family. He has blessed us and His provision has always been there. It seems though with things seemingly doing a 180 around me I am left wondering whether my financial needs will be met. We are heading down to the bare bones of what we have.
The job I have has been great and for it I am thankful but it has started to collapse around me. It seemed for a while I was standing on a sturdy frame but then it was pointed out to me that the frame was made of toothpicks. Slowly over the past few months the toothpicks have either been pulled out or broken. When will I fall? That's what I am wondering. I am staring down some questions of where my life is going. I use to have certainty of my calling and my hope but it seems so dim. All of this stress has taken its toll of my health as well as my schooling. I am no where near focused on my classes because of all the changes around me.
I just turned 30 on the fourteenth of February. For some it would not bother them. It did me though. I had so many people tell me that I need to get over it because I am still young. Well, it does bother me because I am no where near where I wanted to be at this age. I was called to the ministry a long time ago and have wasted so much time. I have even started to question what my call is. One friend told me one time that he did not understand how someone so intelligent could make so many mistakes. Well, I hate to disappoint him but I am still making them. It seems to me that that is what my life is characterized by, mistakes. I am not asking that I can live a life of comfort. I just want to be faithful to God and have my basic needs met. I know what I am. I have been told enough I am a screw up. People see this image of me that seems so well put together but I am not. I fail. I need. I hurt. I want to cry but can not because it would show people that need a rock to lean on that I can not hold them. I have failed so many and it seems right now that I am failing God. I feel shut out, cut off, and unwanted in a lot of ways. In all of this please pray for my family. I am not asking for prayers for me. Please pray for them. They have suffered for my decisions and even though I try to do right things go wrong. I say I am His disciple but in reality I am His disappointment.

Challenges or Opportunities?

I am facing some new challenges. Maybe I should look at them as opportunities? Anyway, I looked at the new year with new hope. That may be the last thing I have other than the fact that God is still in control. Some changes are coming in my employment and it may not be good. It could leave me like many others and that is unemployed. It's not the fact that I may lose my job but that I do not know for sure if or when. I feel out of the "loop" because I am not being told anything. So, if this does in fact happen, what will it mean for school? It may mean that I have to drop out of the semester and start again online in the fall. I will have to find a full time job and that may interfere with classes unless it is done online (which is not my preference). I am trying to be faithful and rely on God to take care of my family. I just want to know for sure what is going on (and this is not how faith usually works). So, I am asking that you pray for us and our situation. Thanks!